Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly stealing a credit card to pay for penis enlargement, an abortion for Selena Gomez, and drugs.

A Michigan man claiming to be Selena Gomez’s dad is also saying that the teen king Bieber stole his American Express card and paid for some pretty outrageous things. Along with surgery to make his little Bieber bigger, he got Selena an abortion and bought cocaine to sell in “drug free school zones.” Aren’t all school zones drug free? Well that’s not the most insane allegation this man is making, but still.

The lawsuit also claims that Bieber gave Selena a STD and also attacks Bieber’s mentor, Usher. Gomez’s supposed father claims:

“Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry firework song in my ear drums.”

Fitting that Katy Perry was playing when the whole firework incident happened…

The man also says that Bieber cost him $426.78 and added, “I’m an emotional mess … America must boycott biebers music!”

Yes sir, you are a mess, but emotional? Try more psychological. Who would even come up with something like this? It’s like his fanfiction took a drastic turn.

In the end…major surgery, an abortion, and cocaine all cost under $500? If that’s the case, then Bieber is an extreme couponer. Why would one of the wealthiest stars have to steal money from some random man in Michigan? This guy needs serious help.